think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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