We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
