I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
