I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
