The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
our cab driver is having phone sex.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Randomize
