My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
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I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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