my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
