Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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