she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
