Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
