defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
