i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
