Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
