I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
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