I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
