Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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