Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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