You just made me feel so damn special
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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