My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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