I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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