Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
