Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
