just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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