either way he was missing a nipple.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
