i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
