I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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