you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
