What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
