my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
