tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
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Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
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I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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