gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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