I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
