I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
