tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
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