I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
