I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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