so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
