Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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