She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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