Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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