I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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