if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
