I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
