Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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