Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
