tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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