Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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