I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
