you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My ATM looks so different sober.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
