hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
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You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
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No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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