I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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