I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
