evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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