I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
