i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
